How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
