we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
