yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
