And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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