ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
