You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
