I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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