I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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