well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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