1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
