I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
