all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
