Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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