Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
