You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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