You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
tell me about the eggs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
