i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
