Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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