I can text with my tongue
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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