just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
