Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
