Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
