hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
