i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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