I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
