you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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