I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
