Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
