I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
