I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
