i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
