Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
