a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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