I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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