where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
