peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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