My hand turned me down
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
