Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
