Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
