He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
