you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
