found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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