that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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