I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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