Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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