Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
