Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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