I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
