it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
