You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
