do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
